Shaped by Sam

Livewrite: Ancient Evil Scream of the Mummy

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 10:48:09 +0100

This is a snapshot of the opening credits which have been going on for… two minutes and thirty-eight, nine seconds as I type this.. And still now, at… 3:16, I will record when they end and the film begins.

Well, coincidentally - or eerily - the credits finished at three minutes and thirty-three seconds in. Perhaps a spell is being wrought here tonight. The opening scene frames a handful of characters unboxing a mummy in some lab.

“I didn’t think it was standard Aztec procedure to mummify people.”

Straight away we enter to the announcement that this is no ordinary mummy, oh no.

“So what, was he king or something?”

The audience already desperate to know the answer, the question is asked by AESotM’s jock-rogue character.

Turns out no.

Talking to a female character who like, loves mummys or something: “your hair looks really nice today,” says the brainy weirdo who is also, naturally, a pervert.

“I’ve been watching you a lot… I mean I’ve noticed you a lot.”

Establishing characters in swift, brutal arcs of the pen.

“It might change your entire perception of the Aztec culture.”

This is important shit people.

“The servant would only ever obey the high priest, and the high priest wasn’t preserved, sooo…”

My bet as to the thing that has to be mentioned but not talked about too much because it turns out to be some shite-wrought facsimile of a deus ex machina needed to bring about a positive ending. Long sentence.

“I know about as much about this stuff as I do about brain surgery.”

More character development, this is the rough and ready rouge of a lad character. He’s designed to be likable, he’s got a checkered shirt on, replete with worn jeans and a face hatted by slicked-back black hair.

Not sure how much more of this I’ll be able to take you know.

The jock-rogue has come to see the mummy-liking chick in the park, they flirt around a white and blue bandstand. She is knowledgable, he is a twat and has stolen something from the mummy in order to impress her. They discuss his and her impressions of each other.

“I dunno, maybe I just got a short fuse…” says the XY.

“I think you’re really just some sweet dork who just likes to act tough for your buddies,” replies the XX.

“I thought you were just some stuck up bi… snob!” Mr Cool Dude has a silver tongue, “I was just tryin’a prove how much I liked you, it was a dumb move, but it was worth the risk,” and then they kiss.

Oh my fucking gods, the mummy woke up with a blade in his hand. He already looks really pissed off. He hunts. It was the geeky guy who woke him up, he was watching MartyMcFly-aged-and-bent-by-poorly-imagined-traitexpression-and-forged-stupid-by-underpaid-or-underimaginative-writers and the mummy-liking girl having it off at the bandstand.

“This is what I get for staying after hours.”

The stalked character is drinking from a hip flask. She is a professor; Norman the geek has entered, “I didn’t mean to frighten you”, says Norman. The professor, however, wittily ripostes with, “I wasn’t frightened, I was merely surprised.”

Now this guy is claiming to be the last in a, “line of aztec priests of Tlailoc.” He is backed up by the mummy, the professsor is shitting it. It wields the blade with unconvincing jerkiness, oh and she’s dead in one fell swoop.

Cut to a dorm-room, populated by three bored “teenagers,” one of whom is the aforementioned Marty-, he has dark hair, so do the other two… I care not to learn their names.

“Sounds like someone ain’t getting any in the lurrrvv department,” said the streetwise kid. But he’s not just streetwise, see, because, “[he] already know everything, [he] don’t need to study.”*

“What do you propose we do?” One kid is a third-wheel in the role of a sidekick type of guy; he is neither prepared for his role as a character in the story, nor as an actor in a film production. Well perhaps that’s harsh, I’m sure it’s not easy to work on a film when half of its title contains the words, ‘Ancient,’ ‘Evil,’ and ‘Scream.’ In that order.

“He probably wants us to panty raid the girls’ dorm-room,” the streetwise kid chimes in again with more urban wisdom.

“Assholes from Chi-Alpha-Vega,” and again.

I’ve watched 38 minutes of this now and I’ve not turned it off yet, possibly because I’m able to yammer about it. I’m not really watching, just catching strange phrases like:

“I nearly peed myself first time I came in here.”

“Ooh, someone naked and wet, in my shower, just what I like.”

But oh no, the person in the shower is dead; killed by the mummy, her blood-drenched arm flops through the shower curtain, as the mummy steps out from wherever it was hiding in the bathroom. Somewhere really obvious I hope, like stood with only its face obscured behind the extend-o arm shaving mirror.

And that’s it, fuck it, sod the world, I’m going to sleep.

*Punctuation twisted for execution of crap joke.

Made with Paper

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 23:03:14 +0100

Made with Paper

This is my hand, on Sunday the 3rd of July. Whinjury sustained...

Mon, 04 Jul 2011 14:24:28 +0100

This is my hand, on Sunday the 3rd of July.

Whinjury sustained playing for the Low Percentage Villains @ Fishbowl 2011; I foolishly forewent suncream, substituting it with sweatbands and tubigrip. I am stripy now.

More ultimate-related feature, comment and sunburn yet to come!

You probably can’t tell, but there’s a samba band...

Sun, 03 Jul 2011 16:23:08 +0100

You probably can’t tell, but there’s a samba band practicing behind that door. (Taken with Instagram at Holy Trinity Church, Salford)

These little guys don’t look happy. (Taken with Instagram...

Sun, 03 Jul 2011 16:17:03 +0100

These little guys don’t look happy. (Taken with Instagram at Bury, Gtr. Manchester)

I went for a job interview in this building a week ago. That is...

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 15:26:24 +0100

I went for a job interview in this building a week ago. That is a bar & grill on the ground floor.

My god, it’s full of petrols. (Taken with instagram)

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 04:12:36 +0100

My god, it’s full of petrols. (Taken with instagram)

Iceland Crowdsourcing its Constitution

Sat, 11 Jun 2011 00:30:41 +0100

Iceland Crowdsourcing its Constitution:

futurejournalismproject:

Via the Guardian:

Iceland’s existing constitution dates back to when it gained independence from Denmark in 1944. It simply took the Danish constitution and made a few minor adjustments, such as substituting the word “president” for “king”.

In creating the new document, the council has been posting draft clauses on its website every week since the project launched in April. The public can comment underneath or join a discussion on the council’s Facebook page.

The council also has a Twitter account, a YouTube page where interviews with its members are regularly posted, and a Flickr account containing pictures of the 25 members at work, all intended to maximise interaction with citizens.

Meetings of the council are open to the public and streamed live on to the website and Facebook page. The latter has more than 1,300 likes in a country of 320,000 people.

Cool idea but that shit would never work here*.

*here is not necessarily where I am.

My input to this product is minimal. However, I am derived from...

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 15:47:43 +0100

My input to this product is minimal. However, I am derived from the man who designed the font, Tempus Sans. It makes me happy to see it put to good use.

Llama, chimney stack. (Taken with Instagram at Pendle)

Mon, 06 Jun 2011 21:45:45 +0100

Llama, chimney stack. (Taken with Instagram at Pendle)

How To : Encourage Someone to Fear a People

Mon, 06 Jun 2011 17:28:00 +0100

For this instructional, your reader will need:

x1 copy of the a tabloid newspaper, preferably the Mail / access to their website
x1 mind unfamiliar with diversity and the world beyond their front door

Note: this method must be used in frequency over a long period of time, unless your reader is somewhat carte blanche. A certain amount of creativity will be required to ensure the template fits every case of inspired xenophobia.

Step 1

Insert a link to ‘similar’ story within an article titled, for example; ‘Invasion of the boozy brides’. Opinion pieces like this are useful for guiding a reader towards issues that warrant their attention, such as statistically irrelevant crimes linked to minority groups. This also helps foster or maintain a Declining Society worldview; that things were much better Before and everyone should just stop this progress nonsense at once.

Teenage girl ‘raped’ at My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding horse fair

Your target will be drawn to this link, already interested in and reading about issues such as the intensity / debauchery of contemporary hen nights, which were never such a problem Before.

Seeing the title of popular BBC3 programme My Big fat Gypsy Wedding paired with the words ‘girl’ and ‘rape’ will make salient your reader’s anxiety over otherness.

Remember, it isn’t important that the legal definition of the victim is actually ‘adult female’. It is important that your reader forms a picture of a raped young girl.

Step 2

Begin your article by stating the time and location of the incident in explicit terms:

walking with a friend to get a taxi to Penrith on the eastbound slip road of the A66 at the Appleby turn-off.

This will ensure that a significant number of female readers in Appleby-In-Westmorland feel uneasy about the prospect of travelling on that road themselves. Why, they will wonder..? Well because that girl got raped near the horse fair didn’t she, on the eastbound slip road of the A66 at the Abbleby turn-off, right? Location information may also be employed after Step 4, at the Top of the Stairs.

Step 3

Include a description of the alleged perpetrator, if you are lucky it will be vague enough to represent just about anyone in your target minority group.

Police say they are seeking to speak to one member of the group in particular, who is described as white, 18 to 19-years-old, of medium build, with brown gelled hair. He was wearing a grey Adidas track suit with distinctive green neon stripes on both the top and bottoms.

A description will ensure that when your reader happens across members of this minority group, they will remember to check whether any happen to be that rapist they read about. Of course since many men have brown hair and are aged 18 to 19-years-old, this particular description will arouse a really healthy amount of racist suspicion. It does not matter that the man will likely change his clothes at some point, the idea that green and grey Adidas tracksuits are sometimes worn by alleged rapists should be enough to make sure your reader suspects everyone from joggers to shop-window mannequins.

Step 4

Fill out your article with large pictures of people on horses and a list of other bad things that have happened at the fair:

a fight took place in the Market Field are of Appleby Fair. A man from Manchester suffered lower back injuried and was taken to Cumberland Infirmary Carlisle for treatment.

One 14-year-old boy was injured on Saturday after falling from the back of a van that was travelling from the Appleby to the A66.

Top of the Stairs

Your target has now seen rape, injury, tracksuit wearing, disturbance of the peace and - most importantly - living as a traveller, all contained within the established shell of the Declining Society. When next your target feels the need to idly complain, they may draw on your source material and their friends may become your readers!

In the time your target takes to find and read your next article, he / she will hopefully have internalised the concepts you have grouped together for them, making them much more receptive to your further influence.

+ Author’s note: the Daily Mail website appends a ‘read more here’ URL when you copy text from their articles. Wankers.

Oh yes.

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 02:22:51 +0100

Oh yes.

"the process of initiating, and subsequently propagating a fracture in a rock layer, employing the..."

Fri, 03 Jun 2011 17:54:50 +0100

“the process of initiating, and subsequently propagating a fracture in a rock layer, employing the pressure of a fluid as the source of energy”

- Battlestar’s alter swear words appear a lot more thought out than I first thought…

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 08:46:53 +0100

The future?

Me: of a morning, before I put on my bra.

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 02:55:11 +0100

Me: of a morning, before I put on my bra.

Lucy Pass’ blog looks really professional: 1. Without even...

Sun, 29 May 2011 23:34:00 +0100

Lucy Pass’ blog looks really professional:

1. Without even trying.

2. In my newly recommissioned rss reader.

Plus she gets a page all to herself, great! As a comment on me though it sounds either great or tragic. Greagic maybe, yeah…

“Hedgehog Nightmare, A” Featuring garden ornaments I don’t even...

Sun, 22 May 2011 00:00:00 +0100

“Hedgehog Nightmare, A”

Featuring garden ornaments I don’t even own.